Conflict Resolution

I have recently completed an online training on conflict resolution. I have taken some notes and key questions from this training and I believe sharing these notes will be helpful for all of us. Of course, acting in accordance with the given techniques will make our life more comfortable. Here they are:

If you need to engage in a conflict, you should get a clear understanding of the issues surrounding it. To do this, you should take three actions.

Determine what is causing the conflict

To determine what's causing a conflict, you must realize that, while some causes may be apparent, most of the conflict's causes may actually be hidden. So to resolve the conflict effectively, you need to investigate both the apparent and underlying issues.

To determine the causes, you can ask these questions:

• What event has brought attention to this conflict?
• Are there any behavior patterns contributing to the conflict?
• Are there any organizational structures contributing to the conflict? For example, is the organization's hierarchical structure leading to conflict?
• Are there any mental models or assumptions contributing to the conflict?

Determine the needs and interests of those involved

Facts alone will not help you solve a conflict effectively, because a conflict also involves people – with different perspectives, emotional needs, and backgrounds. It's important to consider the interests and needs of the parties involved – including your own.

By considering the needs and interests of each party, you lay the foundation for a solution that will satisfy all parties – rather than just one party at the expense of others.

To determine the needs and interests of those involved, ask questions such as

• Who is involved in this conflict?
• What are your interests and needs?
• What are the interests and needs of others in the conflict?
• Why are those needs important to you?
• Why are those needs important to the other party?

Consider the future

By considering the future, the parties make it possible to reach an effective, long-term solution.

You may need to talk about some past actions as a way of letting them go and moving on. And the past may also hold important lessons that can help guide the future, so acknowledging the past is important. But you also need to consider future needs and interests, as well as the future consequences of your actions. This helps you find a more permanent solution.

When thinking about the future, ask questions such as

• Are the parties' needs or interests likely to change significantly in the future?
• Is the proposed solution a short-term fix? Or, if the conflict arises again, will the proposed solution be effective in resolving the conflict?
• Can the solution be enhanced so that it prevents the conflict from reoccurring?
• Should the solution be formalized in a policy document or contract, in case it is needed in future?

Listen acceptingly

Listening acceptingly involves allowing the other person to speak his mind without interrupting. Listen without judgment while paying attention to the feelings that underlie the speaker's words. Assume that the other person's view is a valid one and remember that your first goal is to understand.

Examples of questions you could ask to encourage the other person to express his views clearly or to clarify the situation are as follows:

• You seem upset. Help me to understand why.
• Can you give me an example of what I'm doing that you don't like?
• What do you need me to do to fix this?
• How do you see the situation?
• Tell me more about why it bothers you.
• What exactly is concerning you about the way I've acted?
• How have I hurt you, exactly?
• What do you mean?

Describe your view in a constructive way

This means calmly and clearly expressing your feelings and outlining a resolution.

• Use language that is nonthreatening, that focuses on the person's behavior rather than on the person directly. You could say these things:

 

 I don't know if you know this, but...

When you say things like that, it makes me feel...

I'm sure you didn't mean to...

I don't feel comfortable when...

We seem to understand this differently. As I see it... 

 

• Avoid accusatory ("you") language that could make the other person defensive.
• Avoid words like "always" and "never" – these are exaggerations and can seem provocative.
• Stick to what you observe and feel, rather than what you think or believe. For example, say "It makes me feel unimportant when I'm kept waiting," rather than "Our meetings don't seem at all important to you."
• Avoid judging, blaming, or criticizing, and don't ask loaded questions like "Are you still handing in your reports late?"
• Avoid humor or sarcasm – it can confuse your message, making it unclear or seem unimportant.
• Validate the viewpoint of the other party and recognize their contribution.
• When you outline a resolution, your aim is to find solutions for the future, rather than talk about past problems.
• Focus on the issue rather than the person.
• Stay positive. You should talk about what you want rather than what you don't want.

Find a mutually beneficial solution

Finding a mutually beneficial solution involves addressing the concerns of all parties and attempting to determine how best to satisfy these.

Guidelines for doing this include

• taking the time to listen to and incorporate the needs and concerns of everyone involved
• suspending judgment while you're in the process of finding solutions
• using brainstorming techniques to get everyone's ideas
• focusing on options that address shared interests
• making sure everyone is satisfied with the solution

Examples of what you can say during the process of working towards a mutually beneficial solution are as follows:

• What I liked about your idea is...
• What don't you like about that option?
• What makes that seem like a good way of doing it?
• Which would be better for you?
• I need...
• I'd like it if...
• Maybe we could...
• What about...
• Are you ok with that?
• Is there anything you're still worried about?
• Do you have anything you'd like to add?