How do you solve this problem? How do you make things better
when others refuse to change?
I recently read Justin Bariso’s article about Milk Carton
Rule which is a key rule for emotional intelligence development.
Solve problems by
focusing on what you can control
The milk carton rule is the story of two people, let's call them Nilgün
and Volkan. (Ooops, Nilgün is my wife's name - am I so brave to use her name here?)
Every morning, Nilgün gets up early for work,
makes coffee, and runs off to the office. Many mornings, though, Nilgün forgets
to put the milk for her coffee back in the fridge. When her husband Volkan
wakes up a few hours later, he finds a carton of warm milk on the counter.
Over and over, Volkan gets frustrated and confronts Nilgün about it when she returns home. Nilgün always apologizes, but she continues to make the same mistake. Volkan brings up the problem one day to his therapist, to show the type of behavior he has to deal with.
Therapist: "How often does she do this?"
Volkan: "I've lost count."
Therapist: "For how many years?"
Volkan: "At least 10 years, ever since she took this job."
Therapist: "So, do you base your prediction of what will happen every morning based on what she does or what you want her to do?"
Volkan: "I base it on what's right. And what she'd do if she truly loved me."
Therapist: "So, let me get this straight: She's done this hundreds, possibly thousands of times."
Volkan: "Yup. See how inconsiderate she is!"
Therapist: "But after hundreds or thousands of times, you're still shocked at her behavior. Shouldn't you expect her to leave out the milk? Are you basing your expectation on what you want or what she's done?"
Volkan: "I guess on what I want."
Therapist: "Now, how would you feel differently if you based your expectation on what she actually did, instead of what you wanted her to do?"
Volkan: "I guess I wouldn't be so angry. I'd just get two containers of milk."
As this problem illustrates, we cause ourselves unnecessary frustration when we continue to demand that reality be different from what we want.
In other words, by recognizing that reality isn't always the
way we want it, we can focus on solving the problem, instead of repeating a
cycle of frustration and anger.
And that brings us to the milk carton rule, which simply
states: "Instead of dwelling on what you can't change, focus on what you
can." For instance, you can buy two cartons of milk, instead of
getting upset and having the same argument over and over.
In almost every case where you find yourself frustrated by
others, you have a choice. You can bask in negative emotions and feel sorry for
yourself or you can use your feelings as a catalyst to take a different
approach to solving the problem.
And if you simply can't fix the problem, you may just have to
accept this as reality. That doesn't mean you approve of what the other person
is doing, just that you recognize that you don't have the power to change the
situation. Doing so can help you focus on other problems that you can solve, which leads to better work, and a better
life.
So, the next time you face a problem caused by others, don't
get mad. Instead, follow the milk carton rule and use principles of
psychology to close the gap between your expectations and reality.
